Top Eleven Requirements for Becoming Pam’s Boyfriend

Ok so Pam has let it out. I am the person who knows everything relevant (and irrelevant) there is to know about her, hence I know her best, and therefore I feel I am the one most qualified to find her a mate.

Yes that’s right. And I’m serious too. Let’s go through that one more time. I know everything there is to know about her, in fact one can say too much – and for quite a long time as well. In fact, I’m so good at it, I actually know when she’s wrong. Cases in point, her statement from her blog:

Gary thinks he should be the one to find me a new guy because he says he knows me better than most people but he hasn’t come up with a single name – save for a missionary. A missionary. I am seriously not going down that road.

There are two things wrong here obviously. One, she says I ‘think’ I should be the one to find her a guy. WRONG. I AM the one to find her a guy. We’ve established this already. Two, the missionary is an upfront guy. I haven’t heard from him since, but when I do, I’ll set it up. And yeah of course we’re gonna make jokes about his favorite sexual position. How the hell can we not make jokes about his favorite sexual position?? He’s a missionary for crying out loud! The name speaks for itself.

At any rate, I am writing this because she has pre-empted this post by writing above at her blog. I had been planning on writing this for the longest time but I’ve not because I wanted her to write about it first – and voila, there it is. It all fell into place like I thought it would. What did I say about knowing her?

So ok, here the requirements as I foresee them. Bear in mind there might be additions from time to time, but these form the framework so to speak:

  1. You should like to read.
  2. You should, when you talk, make sense at least half the time.
  3. You should have at least some idea what the hell you want to do with your life. At least some. (Dont worry, if you’re wrong, that’s ok. But at least some).
  4. You should not be a loser. Define loser.
  5. You should not consider yourself a winner. If you do you’re a loser.
  6. You should stand up straight in a group.
  7. You should not scratch yourself in public.
  8. When you belch, and she hears you, smile then wink afterwards.
  9. When you have a job, you should have an idea what you’re doing there, and whether you like or dislike it, hence deciding early on whether you’ll stay. Same if you join a group, join a band, or join anything worthwhile committing to. This has something to do with #3.
  10. You should not preach the stuff you know, or act like you know a lot / too much, and if you do, will arrive at some point where you realize that you’re being an ass. This is very important. You should always have some idea if you are being an ass.
  11. However when you are right, and are convinced you are right, you will put your foot down. This is important when dealing with people like Pam. Trust me on this.

Interested applicants may send their letters of intent via email, via the comment section below or on her blog. Your applications will be treated with utmost confidentiality, which means we wont laugh in your face – just miles away. Long distance applicants will not be considered.

Ok seriously? I’m not really sure how to go about this. Just read above requirements and try to figure out what kind of guy I mean. And if you think it’s cool, go for it. Jill and I will tag along the first date.

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