Tomorrow I’m finally gonna have that meeting I was supposed to go to last week. A lot of annoying things happened which kept me from having to go to it, and even to the last minute, Ayuc had to suddenly crash, necessitating a need to borrow my sis’ computer (she fortunately said yes). For some odd reason I’m excited and nervous about tomorrow, inspite of the fact I’ve had to do this many times before. Perhaps it’s because with Jill having found work and me having found, more or less, a new place to stay, things are about to change drastically in the near future.
I’ve always been an optimist and for the most part it’s served me well. I suppose however, that the tendency to relax and settle has made me soft, hence my apprehensions. It’d be great to say I shall ‘nevertheless forge on’ or say something brave like that, but if anything recent events have forced me to accept that many things are outside what I can control but have impact on me anyway.
I suppose these are the situations where religion takes place, when you realize that far too many things are happening in and around you and your options are limited. In other words, these are the tests that make you want to have something to hold on to, something that’d assure you things will be alright when in fact, things can go either way in a second and you’d be left with less than you’d prefer.
But what can I do other than hope for the best? We all work and strive to assure good futures for ourselves, but at the end of the day you’re basically playing cards you were dealt, and hoping against hope you’d not be left with a dud. It’s the optimist in us that says we’ll make the best of what we have, but the fact that occasionally we’ve just as much chance of doing well as a leaf blowing in the wind needles my brain as well. Maybe I’m allowing negativity to seep in. Maybe I’m being too logical. I don’t know. I can’t tell the future as much as I don’t know what color shirt our neighbor is going to wear tomorrow, or if it’d rain or be hot and sunny after I have lunch.
I wish I could just settle down and be my optimistic self. Maybe there’s wisdom to not thinking too much. Maybe the simple minded is God’s blessed, because they’ve no concept of the future other than what they see today, so they tend to go along skipping happily, with nary a thought devoted to things outside the realm of their brain. But thinking that is akin to saying how the deaf is lucky because they don’t have to listen to ugly songs. There are just as many pretty ones as ugly, and that one nice song can certainly make up for tens of ugly ones. That certainly makes sense.
I’m rambling. I’m nervous. I want to do good. I need things to work out. I mustn’t allow myself to go soft again, if and when this test passes. Yeah, this will pass. The sooner the better.