The Big Four Oh

KE gave me a gift already, reaching 1k hits last night, the 2nd time this month.

I love how KE’s hits grow ever so gradually which means two things for me: A. They’re not fluke-ish, having grown regularly over a span of time (unlike, say, when a blog posts something radical which spikes its hits then drops all of a sudden), and B. Our readership is loyal and follows the site regularly. Those details along with the exponential growth given our daily updates mean that we’ll be hitting 1k probably by.. oh, Jan or Feb maybe?

But enough about the sites. This is about me, me, ME!

First and foremost I’m really happy that I don’t feel 40, and am frankly unsure what 40 feels like at all. There are a number of sites that give advice to ’40-somethings’ and these usually involve health and talk about doing things like ‘lots of walking’. I just played pickup ball the other week with the neighborhood kids and I really don’t think I lagged that far behind. So if being 40 means taking advice like ‘walk more’ from websites with geriatric looking couples on the images, then by God I should thank my lucky stars and am probably luckier than I give myself credit for.

It’s very scary to take stock of one’s life whatever age you may be, birthday or not, but this tends to happen when you reach milestones like this. I’m sure it’d be valid to express anything from regret to joy at achievements or on the other hand ‘dis-achievements’ in my life, but at this point I’ve realized I really don’t dwell on any particular step forward nor backward, and its probably healthier that way.

For the most part, since I’ve turned into an adult I’ve lived my life trying to make the best decision available at that time. The way I see how it works is: sometimes that gets fucked up, and sometimes that works out. But before you take too much time feeling sorry for yourself or patting yourself in the back, you need to get your shit together because you’re dealing with the next big decision. Regardless, the one thing you take out from it is that you’ve become another level smarter.

How about God? Well I really believe God gets in there a little bit, providing help in bits and pieces. But ultimately, the decision is really up to you whether you’re gonna fuck your life up or not. If you find yourself in a situation you’re not happy in, the only person who’s gonna do something about it is yourself. You have to take stock of your life, just stop what you’re doing and ask yourself if you’re happy or not, and if you don’t like it you have to stand up and get the fuck out. God, Buddha, or the Great Whatever Spirit In The Sky is not gonna do that for you. There’s no ‘lifeline’, no free handouts, no big get out of jail card that you can pull out your ass ad hoc. It’s just you and you alone who can determine your path.

Having had such a well – formed idea of how to live life, what then can I show for myself?

Well for the most part, I’m not unhappy. I don’t find myself pining to attain some impossible goal, and the marks I set for myself are ambitious, yet realistic, attainable and are actually on their way to fruition as we speak. Oh sure I could use more money, but I think I’d be telling myself that if I was earning 10 million a month or 10 thousand, so that’s a given. I thank my lucky stars that during my youth I didn’t get anyone pregnant and / or was forced into marriage, because Jesus Christ if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that all my peers who went through that, to a man, is completely miserable. Oh Thank God for the fact that I’m not in a situation where I’d be cheating on my wife yet staying married ‘for the good of the kids’. Living your life as a fraud is the saddest, most pathetic life of all in my book. One that no amount of material riches can heal. I could name names but that’d be pointless. I’d just say ‘all of them’.

Getting by the years of immaturity unscathed is good, but what makes it an achievement is using the wisdom you learned from it to good use.

And I think I did that too, with the girl I have decided to live my life with.

For inasmuch as its important to leave situations you aren’t comfortable with, it’s also just as valid to stay with that which makes you feel at home.

So yeah, I think I am lucky. I think I should thank my lucky stars, and that I do not give myself enough credit. Of course, I’m saying that now, being all wrapped in the glow of my birthday with text messages pouring in. And maybe I won’t feel as well when I stub my toe on the bedside or Joe my car stalls on me in the middle of C-5 at 1am.

But hey it’s my birthday so I’ll let myself feel good today. Today I’m a lucky guy.

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